How To Stop Being Friends With Your Ex Boyfriend
One of the biggest and most common mistakes girls make after a guy breaks up with them is to take them up on the offer to "just be friends". Not only does the ex-boyfriend friendship never work, but it can actually hinder your chances of ever getting back together with the man you love.
It's the worst case scenario: you're still in love your ex boyfriend, but no matter what you do he doesn't make a move. In fact, he doesn't even look in your direction. The sparks you used to feel are totally gone, and when he looks at you he smiles vaguely and goes on talking with everyone else.
And how come this happened?
It's all because you agreed to become friends with your ex boyfriend.
Staying friends after breaking up is one of the most collosal of all post-relationship blunders. At the same time however, most women who go through an unwanted break up fall into this trap. It goes down quickly and before you even realize it... but the next thing you know, you're suddenly your ex's platonic buddy.
You become nothing more than a MySpace contact or Facebook Friend, resigned to watch him live out the rest of his social life with all these other people... all these new girlfriends... all these things he's now going to be doing without you, while you still wish you were together with him.
If your boyfriend ended things and you still thought the two of you had something good, you probably want him back. Your first move was panic. Your second move? To reach out to him in any way that you could, trying to get him to change his mind about breaking up with you.
When that failed, you agreed or maybe even suggested to "still be friends", even though you know you want a lot more than friendship. But at the time, all that mattered was still getting to see him. You couldn't stand the thought of losing your ex completely, so a friendship with him seemed better than nothing at all.
Well I'm here to tell you it's not. In fact, it's worse than anything else you could do - whether you want him back or not.
Understanding Why You Want To Stay Friends With Your Ex
One reason you need to stop being friends with your ex boyfriend is because jealousy is one of the strongest and most powerful feelings on the emotional spectrum. Remember how jealous you were when he was out with the guys, leaving you home alone on certain nights? Well now imagine how you'll feel when he's doing the same thing... but with other girls.
Now imagine how you're going to react when your ex boyfriend starts dating again. Knowing you're not in his life is bad enough... but having to watch that life go on without you from a position of supposed friendship? It's like torturing yourself and not being able to stop.
Truth be told, your ex doesn't want to be friends with you. He wants you around just in case there's nothing better on the horizon. While that's the scenario, he's never going to be interested in dating you again. Sorry, but this is the ugly truth, and you need to accept it before you can move forward with actually getting back together again.
In order to get back your ex boyfriend you need to accomplish one basic thing: make him want you again. This isn't something that's going to happen magically on its own, the way it always does in the movies. This means you've got to seize control of the situation and make your reconciliation happen. You need to be proactive, not reactive.
Your ex boyfriend's comfort is now your enemy. When he knows you're around as "his friend", he can call or reach you anytime he feels the need for mental or emotional support. You'll feel like you should be there for him because you love him (and because you still want to keep track of him), but in reality, you can't be there for him if you want him back.
The more comfortable he is in the situation, the less likely he'll ever be to change it. Only be creating an atmosphere of neediness and longing can you recapture your ex boyfriend's attention. And to do that? You first need to be gone for a while, so he can actually start the process of missing you.
Longing requires absence. To miss you, your boyfriend needs to look around and see that you're suddenly no longer there. This is when things will change for him. The less he sees of you, the more he'll actually need to see you again.
Breaking the Friendship and Withdrawing From Your Ex Boyfriend's View
Dropping out of your boyfriend's life will seem like a hard decision for you. Your mind will blow it way out of proportion and make it sound like you're losing him for good. But don't think of it that way. Think of it as a temporary reprieve from seeing or hearing from him - a reprieve that's actually needed to advance the idea of getting back together with him.
Every single day you can go without contacting or talking to your ex boyfriend is moving you one step closer to getting him back. Think positive, and visualize a day in the future when the two of you are wrapped in each other's arms again. If you can see it, you can make it happen. Believe that... and you're already on the road to making it come true.
In the meantime, there are some fantastic emotional bonding techniques to get your ex to want you again. There are ways you can improve yourself, your situation, your body and your mind. But there are also methods for tugging gently on his emotional needs for you - the ones he buried when the relationship ended.
By bringing those needs and feelings out into the open again, you can get your boyfriend thinking about you without him even knowing it. But hey, guess what? You can't do it while chumming around with him as an everyday buddy. Which means you need to stop being friends with your exboyfriend.
What To Say To Your Ex Boyfriend - How to Stop Being Friends With Him
If you're already friends with your ex, you'll need a way out. Your goal here is twofold: to break all ties, so that there's no longer any contact between you, and to do it in such a way that your ex boyfriend is actually worried he might lose you for good.
It's this whole idea of losing you that has your ex wanting to keep you around in the first place. He's accepted a post-breakup friendship for the companionship it offers, but also because it allows him to know where you are. There's no insecurity on his part, knowing what you're doing (and who you're doing it with). And while your ex feels secure, there's little to no chance of him changing the current situation.
Here's where you have to end the friendship, and you need to do it by saying something like:
"Listen, I know we were going to try and stay friends with each other,
but this just isn't working out for me."
When you talk to him do it calmly and matter-of-factly. There should be no bitterness or anger, here. You aren't trying to bait him, or trick him into revealing anything. You're simply stating your feelings, and telling him what you'd like to do.
Your ex boyfriend will obviously ask why you're looking to stop being friends with him. He might even offer up some reasons why he "doesn't want to lose your friendship", or some other bullshit excuse to keep you around. That's when you tell him:
"Obviously your feelings for me aren't what they used to be. The same thing is happening on my end, too. That's why I need to move on. It's time for me to start doing my own thing, and this is why we can't be friends."
At this point, you need to end the conversation and walk away. Listen to him for another minute or two, but don't cave. Let your ex tell you whatever he wants, but just shrug and roll with it. Your decision is made, and that's that.
Your Ex Boyfriend's Reaction To Not Being Friends Anymore
If your ex boyfriend tries to keep the friendship going, tell him you're sorry but things change. Remind him that just as his feelings changed and he broke up with you, your own feelings have changed to the point where you no longer feel the need to stay friends with him. In short, tell him you're not getting anything out of it.
This is where your ex will begin to freak out. Suddenly, everything to do with the whole breakup situation has been turned upside down. Instead of chasing him, you're now walking away. Instead of wanting to stick around and be a part of his life, you're looking to get out.
And once you've walked away? Your exboyfriend will start to see the permanence of your decision. He'll start to realize he's losing you, or maybe he's even lost you already. He'll also wonder if you're leaving for a specific reason - perhaps you've already met somebody else, and want to start a new relationship without him. This will scare him most of all, and will force him to re-evaluate whether or not he wants to be with you.
Remember: up until this moment your boyfriend hasn't felt the fear, uncertainty, and even the rejection associated with the breakup. All those things have been felt on your end, and not his. Now however, he realizes for the first time that he might actually lose you for good. And this is exactly when your ex will have to make a decision: man up, face his feelings, and accept the fact that he wants you back... or risk the possibility of never talking to or seeing you again.
Guys want to stay friends after a breakup for lots of reasons: everything ranging from meaningless post-breakup sex to emotionally needing to still be around you. But no matter what these reasons are, any guy who says "let's be friends" is NOT looking to be ditched and left completely alone.
Immediately after ending this type of friendship is also a crucial time. You shouldn't be accepting calls from your ex, answering his emails or responding to his text-messages. If he tries to get in touch with you, he should be reaching no one: it helps to turn your phone off, unplug your computer, and stay completely away from anything to do with him for the next few days.
Remember: you want your ex worried. You want him to miss hearing from you. Most of all, you'll need him to chase you if you want to seize back some of the power dynamic between you and your ex boyfriend. None of this can happen if you're still talking to him after refusing to be his friend.
And from there? These reconnection techniques can teach you exactly how and when to get back in touch with him, as well as what to say and do that will put you back on track for an actual reconciliation... and not for mere friendship.
There are many ways to get back an ex boyfriend, but being friends after the breakup is NOT one of them. The faster you can refuse his offer of friendship, the quicker you can begin heading down the road to reversing your breakup.