Using Detachment To Draw Your Ex Boyfriend Emotionally Closer To You
After a breakup, it's the most popular question that everyone wants answered: when and how should you contact your ex?
Truth is, the communication aspect of any post-breakup scenario is hugely important. What you do... what you say... how you act around your ex boyfriend in the hours, days, and weeks after the break up can have a very big impact on how he views you. Stepping off the path here can really screw up your chances of getting back together, so you need to be very, very careful.
That said, what you say and do isn't nearly as important as how much contact you make. The lines of communication should deteriorate very quickly after a break up, and this is totally natural. It therefore becomes unnatural for you to hang on to such contact, by trying to keep up a sort of connection between you and your ex.
In short, the more you hang onto the relationship, the worse off you are. This would seem exactly the opposite of what you're trying to do, which is get your boyfriend back.
What you need to understand however, is this: letting go is the first step. The path to reconciliation begins once you've accepted and embraced your break up. Until this happens, all your attempts at contacting or communicating with your ex boyfriend will end in failure, or at least always be met with stiff resistance.
Essentially, you need to recognize that your original relationship is now over. Once you do, you're no longer fighting to keep alive something that's already broken. In your boyfriend's eyes, this is crucial. Why? Because your ex will avoid you until you do. He won't start talking to you again if he still thinks you're hung up on dating him.
On the surface, it must appear as if you've totally moved on. There are some immediate ways to do this even if you think your ex isn't currently looking your way, or that you've lost his interest altogether.
The further removed you can become from your past relationship, the more of a reaction your ex will have. Once again, withdrawal on your part is not what your boyfriend expects. He broke up with you thinking you'd go out kicking and screaming, so right now he's looking for some sort of resistance.
The No Contact Approach To Getting Your Ex Back
Breaking all contact with your ex boyfriend is a fast, simple, and effective way to get him to notice you again. Unfortunately for most women, it's also the hardest thing of all to do. Most times, when a couple fails to get back together after a break up, it's because one person or the other violated the no contact rule. A one-sided pursuit on your part will always lead to the following scenario in your ex boyfriend's head:
She needs me a lot more than I need her.
Why would I ever want to date her again?"
Neediness, desperation, anxiety... these things will quickly erode away your boyfriend's respect for you. The minute he realizes you'd do anything to get him back is the self-same minute your ex boyfriend puts you in a whole new category: girls he can put in his back pocket.
No contact is hard, I know. You go from talking and seeing someone every single day to not speaking to that person at all. It's not exactly a smooth transition, and it can really make you miss your ex boyfriend. But by the same token, guess what? It can really make your ex miss you as well.
Remember: although he may have broken up with you abruptly, your boyfriend was looking for a gradual withdrawal. He expected to see and hear from you in the form of you chasing after him, trying to keep things going. In essence, this allows him to exploit the break up. He doesn't have to let go of you all at once, because he knows there's a huge part of you that still loves him.
This comforts your ex, and strengthens his resolve. It allows him to more easily continue the break up because he sees you and knows where you are. By staying in his life, your ex gets to be fully aware of everything that you're doing. Best of all (for him), he knows that he can get you back any time he wants to. He's holding all the cards, and the chips are stacked on his side of the table.
Using No Contact To Make Your Ex Boyfriend Miss You
The no contact rule is absolute. It includes no emailing, texting, or writing your ex boyfriend as well as no calling or seeing him. No communication, no talking, and no exceptions.
It's not uncommon for your ex to actually call you in the early stages of the break up, under one guise or another. It's important that you refuse this contact as well, as much as you'd love to pick up the phone and see exactly what he wants.
To help you along the right path, try unplugging for a while. Don't charge your cellphone, or toss it over your shoulder entirely. Avoid checking your email, or voicemail, or text-messages. And if you're on the computer a lot? Say goodbye to Facebook, MySpace, and any other social networking site for a while.
By ditching these anchors, you're putting yourself in position to succeed. If you stay plugged in, you'll easily be tempted to look at or check up on your ex boyfriend's status with one or more of these electronic mediums.
Believe it or not, a lack of communication on your part will be pretty disconcerting to your ex. Although this is what he told you (and himself) that he wants, in reality your ex really does want to hear from you one way or the other.
Think about it this way: knowing that you're still pursuing him gives your ex that nice warm, cushy feeling that he's still desired. Once all the attention stops on your end, it kicks your ex boyfriend right in the ego. He has to consider the possibility that you're no longer interested, and this is something he never has to do while you're still chasing after him.
Dropping out of your boyfriends's life all at once creates a huge void for him. He doesn't get the benefit of seeing you around, or stringing you along as 'just a friend'. By taking yourself totally away, your ex starts missing you immediately. This speeds up the overall process of getting back together. No ex boyfriend will need or want you back until he first misses you again.
Refusing To Stay Friends With Your Ex Boyfriend
Obviously, you can't remain friends with your ex and still keep up the no contact rule. But you know what? You shouldn't ever be friends with your ex anyway - that is, not if you ever want to date him again.
In learning how to get your boyfriend back, understand that friendship is never the answer. It won't bring you any closer to your ex, and in fact, it will push you romantically further apart. The exboyfriend friendhip is a sad myth; an unreality that ultimately ends in nothing but bitterness and hurt feelings, usually on both sides.
For a lot more details on this scenario, check out why you should never be friends with your ex.
How Long Should You Keep Up No Contact?
Ah, the big question! While every break up situation will be different, there are some general rules when it comes to not contacting your ex boyfriend. For the most part, a period of six weeks of silence seems about average.
This time period is long enough to do some major healing. Any bitterness or anger will have drained away on both sides. Smaller specifics about the break up will be forgotten, leaving only the important stuff in its wake.
Most important of all, six weeks gives your ex time to seriously miss you. There's a good chance he'll call you way before this deadline, but if he hasn't? Your ex boyfriend will be a lot more open to hearing from you after not having spoken or communicated for this long.
And since you haven't called or contacted him? Your ex won't be as suspicious of your motives. Talking to you becomes a whole lot easier for him, because you haven't been pushing or pressing for the two of you to get back together.
There are also some ingenious ways to get your ex boyfriend to call you. Learn what they are, because exploiting these techniques can help put you in a position of much greater control when finally talking to your ex boyfriend again.
Moving forward, let's talk about reinsertion techniques you can use to place yourself back into your ex boyfriend's life.
From there, you'll also need to learn how to take back control over the relationship.