Being Friends With Your Ex Boyfriend - Shattering the Myths
"This just isn't working out between us. Maybe we'd be better off as friends..."
Heard this one before? In all likelyhood, you probably have. This is because men don't always make a clean break when they choose to end a long-term relationship. Sometimes, for whatever reason, a guy will break up with you but still ask to remain friends. And even worse? You might just agree to it.
Being friends with your ex boyfriend sounds like a fairly promising relationship. You know each other, you share common interests, and you're already closer than most casual friends will ever be.
And if you happen to still be in love with your ex? You'll reason that maybe staying friends with him can help win him back. Perhaps just being around you, your ex will suddenly realize what a big mistake he's made. All of a sudden, he'll see how much he wants to be with you again.
From that point, it's an easy transition to jump from friends back to lovers again. Sounds like the perfect plan, right?
Sorry, but no. Not even close.
The stark naked truth of things is this: staying friends after the break up always destroys any chance you have of getting your boyfriend back.
I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but you just can't be friends with your ex. There's no such thing as a mutual break up, as one person will always have some sort of residual feelings for the other. Anyone who tells you differently is flat out lying; to both you and especially to themselves.
Over time, the person with feelings begins resenting the person who doesn't. In this case, that person would be you.
Why You Should Never Be Friends With Your Ex Boyfriend
Seeing your ex boyfriend move on with his life will be a very hard thing. He'll make new friends, do new things, and see new people... all without you. Eventually your exboyfriend will start dating again, and at first you'll pretend to be happy for him. Very quickly however, even that pretend happiness will fade. As you watch your ex move further and further away from you, you'll feel all the bitterness and resentment of being dumped for a second time.
Close your eyes for a moment, and imagine your ex boyfriend flirting with or even dating another girl. Can you even be happy for him at all? Or will you grit your teeth in frustration as you falsely wish him 'all the best'?
Let's face it, you're going to feel intense jealousy that the girl isn't you. No matter how hard you try to remain impartial as your ex's new platonic buddy, the only reason you're really doing it so that you can get close to him. Close enough to start dating him again, or at least, so you hope.
The hard part is this: when he suggests it, you're going to want to be friends with your ex. By staying one of his girl 'friends' you don't really have to lose him. You get to still call your ex boyfriend, see him, and keep in touch on a daily basis. In a lot of ways, you're avoiding the break up.
This however, is also the problem. By staying friends you're avoiding the pain and loss associated with losing someone you love. By not going through the necessary emotional detachment, you're setting yourself up for an even bigger fall. When the friendship finally fails - and inevitably it will - you're going to fall twice as hard and feel twice as angry toward your ex boyfriend for 'stringing you along' this whole time.
Going From Friendship to Romance - Trying To Get Your Boyfriend Back
Want an even bigger reason why you can't be friends with your ex? Well for one, it eliminates any shot the two of you might have for a future reconciliation. Your boyfriend won't want to date you while he already has you as a friend, especially if you've been providing the same type of contact and companionship he received from you while the two of you were going out with each other.
Think about it: he already has you. If you're getting along great as friends, why would your boyfriend risk messing that up? Why would he ever want to go through the potential fighting and heartache of dating you again?
Instead, your ex will go out and seek other people. He'll be free to date anyone he wants and still have the comfort of knowing you're still around. By staying friends with him, you're effectively shooting yourself in the foot. You've accepted a demotion: instead of being his all-important girlfriend, you're not placed into the role of "just a friend". He can call you when he feels like it, see you when he wants to, and totally blow you off without ever having to apologize.
The Three Big Reasons Your Ex Boyfriend Wants To Be Friends With You
Ever stop to ask yourself why your ex wants to establish a post-breakup friendship with you? Because in most cases, it's not for the reasons that you think.
Reason 1: He's Letting You Down Easy
Many times, a guy will give the "let's be friends" speech as a form of copout. It's not that he really needs another friend, it's more that he feels awkward and perhaps guilty about breaking up with you. By offering to stay in touch with you as friends, he thinks he's softening the blow.
In reality, your ex has no intention of sticking around much. He might answer some obligatory emails or phone calls, but for the most part he's checking out of the relationship entirely... and using the friendship excuse as a back door to make his escape.
Reason 2: Your Ex Still Wants To Keep Tabs on You
Sometimes your boyfriend will offer to keep in touch for another reason: he's afraid of losing you for good. This is great news if you want your boyfriend back, because it's a big sign that he still has feelings for you.
This type of friendship will be a little more active, and your ex might even initiate some contact. Still, the longer you allow it to go on, the more comfortable your boyfriend will be with pursuing his new single life.
The best thing to do here is learn these reversal techniques. All of them are geared toward making your ex realize that he stands to lose you if he continues his current behavior.
Reason 3: Your Ex Boyfriend Just Wants To Sleep With You
Hey, it happens. Sex is always a big motivator, and it's entirely possible that your exboyfriend's agenda right now includes getting you back into bed with him, especially if he's been lonely.
If your boyfriend is making physical advances even after he ends the relationship, especially early on, chances are good he's looking to establish a "friends with benefits" type of arrangement with you. Some women even accept this arrangement, hoping it will help them get back together with an ex boyfriend.
Whenever an ex breaks things off and then starts kissing up on you again, it's always a hard call. You'll interpret this as receiving mixed signals, and rightly so. On one hand you still love him and want very much to sleep with him again, especially if you think it will help make him want you back. On the other however, he just hurt you very badly by breaking up with you. Sleeping with you when he doesn't want to get back together can hurt even worse.
Having sex with an ex boyfriend can be both good and bad. There are times it can help bring the two of you back together, especially if you've made your ex miss you emotionally as well as physically. Sex is often a prelude to getting back together, but there needs to be a step-by-step series of established moves that took place before the two of you hooked up again.
Other times however, the reunion will be purely sexual. Understand this going in, and don't jump into bed with your ex unless you're absolutely sure you won't be hurt the next morning - especially since you might be waking up alone.
Frienship is the doorway to obscurity. At best, your ex will see you as someone to talk to and call up when he's bored (or horny). At worst, you'll have to witness him moving on without you, and painfully watch as he begins dating other people. All those happy fantasies of hanging out with your ex, renting movies, going shopping together and then falling back in love... you need to give them up now, before you get hurt later on.
What To Tell Your Ex Boyfriend When He Says He Wants To Be Friends
An ex who offers you friendship is looking to delay losing you. At the same time however, he's also looking to do his own thing. By playing along with this little game, you're giving your boyfriend exactly what he wants: the freedom to date other women, and the security of still keeping you around.
For this reason you need to tell your ex you can't be friends with him. It's really just that simple.
"Listen, I can't do the friendship thing. I love you too much to pretend
to just like you. If you don't want me as your girlfriend, I can't be anything else...
I'm just not interested in some half-assed relationship."
From there, tell your ex boyfriend to give you a call if he changes his mind. Let him know you think the two of you can still be good together, and then simply walk away.
For a lot more on how to handle this situation, check out being friends with your ex to help get him back.
And if you've already started sleeping with your ex boyfriend? Check out having sex with your ex after the breakup.